It seems as if everyone in life needs a consistent, extensive support system, a place they can go back to, a place they can draw unlimited support from, a point where they can open up the troubles of their mind to and find an answer, not to the particular set of points, but in them: an answer in the very existence of the support system.
Mostly it is the immediate family, the people you have lived with most of your life. But what if you cannot find it there?
You search for a meaning to life outside them. You look for it in places and people external to what you’ve always known. In friends, lovers, work, an addiction to power- you place expectations in them beyond what they might want to deliver, because they already gain their meaning elsewhere. You want them to be your everything, your saving grace, craving from them that which you never had, the missing in your childhood you always felt but forgot in the facts and adulthoods of life.
And when you don’t get that, when you get anything less than that, these externalities become less than perfect. They become incapable of living up to your idea of life. Friends not faithful and available enough, lovers always falling short of what they should be for you, work meaning too much than it should have.
What follows is a series of disappointments, unstable emotions, and a pattern of behaviour that is, at its essence, self-destructive.
But instead of slowly destroying yourself, instead of demolishing everything you ever valued in your life piece by piece, instead of making everyone around you your enemy, can you perhaps try and be your own shoulder?
Can you be your own source of comfort and love, everything that you have ever desired from others, can you be that for yourself? Can you exist happily without anyone else’s contribution to it?
It’s a struggle which I hope to resolve some day.